https://lilobrien.com Lil O'Brien Fri, 15 Aug 2025 02:41:34 +0000 https://lilobrien.com en https://lilobrien.com/Landing Thu, 14 Aug 2025 23:04:53 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Landing https://lilobrien.com/Blurb-1 Thu, 16 Feb 2023 00:00:00 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Blurb-1 https://lilobrien.com/Book-image-gifs Sun, 29 Nov 2020 21:27:26 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Book-image-gifs https://lilobrien.com/Home-Cover Thu, 23 Apr 2020 02:46:34 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Home-Cover <img width="700" height="1061" width_o="700" height_o="1061" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/3d5e6d18793d7548db3165d357b640e1b927fde1c028a162c72d570fa7e8edfb/cover.png" data-mid="68747202" border="0" data-scale="28" data-no-zoom alt="#eye range:0.2" data-caption="#eye range:0.2" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/700/i/3d5e6d18793d7548db3165d357b640e1b927fde1c028a162c72d570fa7e8edfb/cover.png" /> https://lilobrien.com/Home-Background Sat, 02 May 2020 04:45:17 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Home-Background https://lilobrien.com/Home-Blurb Tue, 21 Apr 2020 22:33:27 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Home-Blurb “I’m standing in my room, curling my toes over threadbare carpet that’s some shade of poo, and I’m looking at my bed. I’m remembering something that my first-ever lesbian friend told me: ‘Lesbians always have navy duvets.’ So I’m looking at my duvet. It’s navy. Well, it’s kind of a lighter blue and a darker blue stripe, not exactly . . . faaarck, it’s navy, alright?” Not That I’d Kiss A Girl is a heartbreaking and hilarious true story by author Lil O’Brien. Available as a paperback, ebook and audiobook on all major platforms.&nbsp; Check out my new essay anthology ‘OTHERHOOD: Essays on being childless, childfree and child-adjacent’ too! Lil accidentally outed herself to her parents at the age of nineteen when they overheard her talking to a friend about liking girls. Half an hour later she found herself on the side of the road, with instructions to come back and pick up her suitcase the next day. What follows is a heartbreaking yet hugely funny story of a young Kiwi girl – the deputy head girl from a posh private school – coming to grips with her sexuality in the face of stark disapproval from her parents. Bit by bit, Lil finds the inner strength to pull herself into an entirely new world. Along the way she's called out for looking too straight in a gay bar, tries to break in to the lesbian in-crowd and figure out how to send her internet lover back to America. She falls in lust over a knotted soccer boot shoelace, explores how the hell to have sex with a girl and dates four women at once – unsuccessfully. Lil's story is an insightful and honest look at how you figure out whether you're gay, bi or whatever – and deal with what comes next. It's an essential read for anyone who's had to fight for who they are and what they believe in. Order&nbsp;the paperback – New ZealandOrder the paperback – InternationalOrder the&nbsp;audiobook – Spotify Order the ebook – KindleOrder the ebook – Kobo Order the audiobook – Audible https://lilobrien.com/About-the-Author Thu, 23 Apr 2020 03:01:25 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/About-the-Author Lil is the author/editor of two books: Not That I’d Kiss A Girl and OTHERHOOD. She’s written about lesbian stuff in The Spinoff, about anxiety for takahē magazine, and more. She also used to be a columnist and agony aunt for NZGirl.co.nz waaaaay back in the day. Mostly talking about: you guessed it – gay stuff. Lil spent some time in her twenties telling her coming-out story around New Zealand as a part of Rainbow Youth's high-school education programme, which inspired her to write her memoir, Not That I'd Kiss a Girl.Not That I’d Kiss A Girl was named in the ‘Top Ten Best of the Best’ for Auckland Libraries in 2020, and was a finalist for the US-based ‘Goldies’ Award with the Golden Crown Literary Society. Lil is also working on the screenplay for&nbsp;Not That I’d Kiss A Girl after it was optioned by&nbsp;South Pacific Pictures, with Lucy Lawless (a.ka. Xena: Warrior Princess, we die) attached to direct.&nbsp;The Not That I’d Kiss A Girl&nbsp;audio book is also in the works for late 2025, with Lil narrating and featuring a bonus chapter: The Return of Coop. OTHERHOOD: Essays on Being Childless, Childfree and Child-adjacent&nbsp;is Lil’s second book, created with Alie Benge and Kathryn van Beek, and featuring 35 essays (and one comic) by writers from Aotearoa. It includes Lil’s essay ‘No masturbation allowed’, also published on Ensemble. OTHERHOOD was reviewed on Kete Books, Newsroom and in The Listener (glowing). Lil has spoken at the Auckland Writers’ Festival (AWF), the Wellington VERB Writers’ Festival, the Same Same But Different Festival, WORD Christchurch, the Nelson Arts Festival, WOMAD and more, and has been invited to chat on a number of podcasts (favourite one: Petra Bagust’s ‘Grey Areas’). Some of her highlights are teaching a workshop about finding your voice at the Schools Programme for AWF 2021, and chairing the OTHERHOOD session at AWF 2024. For her day job Lil is a globally award-winning copywriter for big brands. She teaches people how to write in an accessible way. <img width="3813" height="5720" width_o="3813" height_o="5720" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/e23e7ffb4d12d414ed7c70a56e527206f2f2a748028a9aaadfc5f8d48cc33554/Lil-Auckland-Otherhood-launch.jpg" data-mid="216072372" border="0" data-scale="55" data-no-zoom="true" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/e23e7ffb4d12d414ed7c70a56e527206f2f2a748028a9aaadfc5f8d48cc33554/Lil-Auckland-Otherhood-launch.jpg" /> https://lilobrien.com/Blurb Mon, 11 May 2020 07:42:47 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Blurb “I’m standing in my room, curling my toes over threadbare carpet that’s some shade of poo, and I’m looking at my bed. I’m remembering something that my first-ever lesbian friend told me: ‘Lesbians always have navy duvets.’ So I’m looking at my duvet. It’s navy. Well, it’s kind of a lighter blue and a darker blue stripe, not exactly . . . faaarck, it’s navy, alright?” Not That I’d Kiss A Girl is a heartbreaking and hilarious true story by author Lil O’Brien.&nbsp; Available at Unity Books &amp; The Women’s Bookshop in Auckland, and at select book stores around New Zealand and the world. Also available in numerous NZ public and school libraries, and as an ebook. Lil accidentally outed herself to her parents at the age of nineteen when they overheard her talking to a friend about liking girls. Half an hour later she found herself on the side of the road, with instructions to come back and pick up her suitcase the next day. What follows is a heartbreaking yet hugely funny story of a young Kiwi girl – the deputy head girl from a posh private school – coming to grips with her sexuality in the face of stark disapproval from her parents. Bit by bit, Lil finds the inner strength to pull herself into an entirely new world. Along the way she's called out for looking too straight in a gay bar, tries to break in to the lesbian in-crowd and figure out how to send her internet lover back to America. She falls in lust over a knotted soccer boot shoelace, explores how the hell to have sex with a girl and dates four women at once – unsuccessfully. Lil's story is an insightful and honest look at how you figure out whether you're gay, bi or whatever - and deal with what comes next. It's an essential read for anyone who's had to fight for who they are and what they believe in. Order the book https://lilobrien.com/Projects Wed, 15 Feb 2023 04:07:55 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Projects Check out my latest projects, extending the world of Not That I’d Kiss A Girl or creating something new outside of it. Not That I’d Kiss a Girl: the audiobook Available on all audiobook platforms <img width="1179" height="1261" width_o="1179" height_o="1261" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/9bfdd7a0c0d6b3039d3342fee4f8950f6aa5f59cd81ad06d55f70d40362fb2e1/IMG_1131.jpeg" data-mid="242028223" border="0" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/9bfdd7a0c0d6b3039d3342fee4f8950f6aa5f59cd81ad06d55f70d40362fb2e1/IMG_1131.jpeg" /> <img width="4032" height="3024" width_o="4032" height_o="3024" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/a94b5888513ea1b4597e9e278c86619ae87988473f87ce61be66676deba911d6/IMG_8029.jpeg" data-mid="220384399" border="0" data-scale="100" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/a94b5888513ea1b4597e9e278c86619ae87988473f87ce61be66676deba911d6/IMG_8029.jpeg" /> I am so excited to bring Not That I’d Kiss a Girl to audiobook format, making it accessible to more people and hopefully finding a new audience.Order on Spotify Order on Audible It has a never-seen-before bonus chapter that got cut out during the final edit of the book, and I’m stoked that I get to share one more story about me being a queer bumblefuck, when I bump into my first love (who broke my little gay heart).And yes, I voiced it myself! So it will be the most authentic version possible – I’ve tried to tame my garbled Kiwi accent so that people around the world can understand me, pronouncing the ‘er’ on the end of words and all. Reading this book has made me realise how much swearing there is in it. This was made possible by my amazing friend Michelle Mascoll who is an incredible sound engineer and audio technician – a real pro. She also co-founded the amazing Ethnic Rainbow Alliance. Recording was made possible with the generous offer to use the Christian Broadcasting Association’s studio. Yes, the Christians came through for this very gay book, I love it! Group Email My Substack Yes, I started a Substack! I write on it quite infrequently, because I didn’t want it to be another way that I pressure myself to create things or be productive. Still, there’s some good stuff on there, including my most popular post: ‘What it’s like not speaking to your parents’. <img width="1080" height="1080" width_o="1080" height_o="1080" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/7a80be217f29ca95d861598dadcf67d2d6f4a006a06cdc42c8b96f0b080df0ef/Lil-s-Group-Email.png" data-mid="237049071" border="0" data-scale="72" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/7a80be217f29ca95d861598dadcf67d2d6f4a006a06cdc42c8b96f0b080df0ef/Lil-s-Group-Email.png" />’OTHERHOOD: Essays on Being Childfree, Childless &amp; Child-adjacent’, with Massey University Press <img width="1916" height="1338" width_o="1916" height_o="1338" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/429ddd957102c748c35b42075125a25c8979d5f8bcc72af38e8d259574f7b5e7/OTHERHOOD-COVER-front-back-3.2mb.png" data-mid="206994084" border="0" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/429ddd957102c748c35b42075125a25c8979d5f8bcc72af38e8d259574f7b5e7/OTHERHOOD-COVER-front-back-3.2mb.png" /> For the last year and a half I’ve been working on an exciting new project that’s a bit of a departure from memoir. But it’s still queer-as, and subversive in its own way. ‘OTHERHOOD is an essay anthology featuring the writing of 36 women and gender diverse people about their experience of being child-free, childless or child-adjacent, whether by choice or circumstance. I’m putting it together with the best team, Alie Benge and Kathryn van Beek, a.k.a ‘The Barrenesses’.&nbsp; There’s so much passion about this topic out there, which meant we had no trouble getting together 11 writing samples to pitch to publishers. Our samples explored religion, Te Ao Māori, forms of care, queerness, depression, feminism, body autonomy, grief, shame and gender expectations. I’ve written a piece about navigating the fertility industry in NYC through a queer lens, called ‘No Masturbation Allowed’.&nbsp; After raising funds through a super successful&nbsp;Boosted crowdfunding campaign back in 2023 to pay our contributors. we frenetically selected essays from close to 100 submissions, got them edited and submitted to our publisher in under three months. It was such a mission, but we learned so much along the way, and made amazing connections with our contributors. We can’t wait for you to read this collection. UPDATE: March 2024 Check out that cover! We have the advance copy, and the book launches are in planning for Auckland, Wellington and Dunedin in May. We’ll also be running a lunchtime event at Unity Books Wellington, and speaking at the Auckland Writer’s Festival. Check out the Events page for more details. UPDATE: Jan 2024 We’ve heard that the advance copies have arrived at the Massey office, and we can’t wait to get our sweaty hands on them – especially to share them with our amazing contributors. Planning is also underway for launches in Auckland, Wellington and Dunedin in May. UPDATE: July 2023We closed for submissions at the end of May, and have just finished selecting 36 beautiful essays for ‘OTHERHOOD (well, 35 and one comic). Yes, we couldn’t manage to keep it to 30. UPDATE: May 2024We’ve launched, and the feedback has been amazing, and we’ve done loads of media. Check out our OTHERHOOD website for more details and to read reviews or watch interviews, including on TV! <img width="925" height="745" width_o="925" height_o="745" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/2b4327b4291eaee78d96679aae71235c3ad6db033252c747cd0c5e030220d947/-OTHERHOOD-Boosted-cover-instagram.png" data-mid="183969903" border="0" data-scale="95" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/925/i/2b4327b4291eaee78d96679aae71235c3ad6db033252c747cd0c5e030220d947/-OTHERHOOD-Boosted-cover-instagram.png" /> <img width="872" height="750" width_o="872" height_o="750" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/42dd647795a6c05484d5aa2414964b5eb52f70ca65a87a84ed99a179be3357cc/Screenshot-2023-07-03-at-4.12.06-PM.png" data-mid="183969976" border="0" data-scale="100" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/872/i/42dd647795a6c05484d5aa2414964b5eb52f70ca65a87a84ed99a179be3357cc/Screenshot-2023-07-03-at-4.12.06-PM.png" /> Order Otherhood - NZ Order Otherhood - Amazon Go to the Otherhood website Not That I’d Kiss A Girl – the film Currently in early development In 2020, a bastion of the New Zealand television industry, Kate McDermott, heard me speak on Lynn Freeman’s RNZ programme about about Not That I’d Kiss A Girl. She popped up to her local bookstore, Dear Reader, and asked for ‘That latest lesbian autobiography’. They sold her the new Glennon Doyle.Not that lesbian.&nbsp; Eventually she got her hands on a copy, and soon after reading, tracked down my contact details (this is New Zealand, it’s small) and got in touch. A year later, because things move slowly then all at once in TV &amp; film land, I was sitting down in a room at South Pacific Pictures with Kate and two other amazing writers: Jess Sayer and Libby Bird, storylining NTIKAG: the TV series. (Can I just say, what a story table: four queer women, all fantastic writers across TV/theatre/film and... me, just happy to be there.) <img width="1312" height="1186" width_o="1312" height_o="1186" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/39f172e7416dde12b4d21db8d48babb34a4b2c869a89f8f86a8afe64ce11bdaf/Screenshot-2023-03-30-at-11.54.38-AM.png" data-mid="173601472" border="0" data-scale="49" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/39f172e7416dde12b4d21db8d48babb34a4b2c869a89f8f86a8afe64ce11bdaf/Screenshot-2023-03-30-at-11.54.38-AM.png" /><img width="898" height="1126" width_o="898" height_o="1126" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/959811756c18231312a33f79ee62c3ab8cbc895da34f9a8f2be33d82ffacb62b/Screenshot-2023-03-30-at-1.13.29-PM.png" data-mid="173606426" border="0" data-scale="35" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/898/i/959811756c18231312a33f79ee62c3ab8cbc895da34f9a8f2be33d82ffacb62b/Screenshot-2023-03-30-at-1.13.29-PM.png" /> Due to a number of reasons, the TV series didn’t go further, but, bringing Not That I’d Kiss A Girl to the screen was still a flickering ember. Long story short, and nearly two years later, we have a film script, written by Kate, with me providing edits. There’s still a long road to go, but seeing this in script form has been SO exciting, and I can picture it vividly thanks to Kate’s amazing script. Next step: pitching to the NZ Film Commission. Cross fingers for us! <img width="1366" height="994" width_o="1366" height_o="994" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/ca766fd27b5734174a8db1f8ce28d579c8fb4c687779303303d2ec43be32b661/Screenshot-2024-03-14-at-8.53.04AM.png" data-mid="206994474" border="0" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/ca766fd27b5734174a8db1f8ce28d579c8fb4c687779303303d2ec43be32b661/Screenshot-2024-03-14-at-8.53.04AM.png" /> It was amazing to see how quickly the story becomes more and more fictionalised, as you flesh out other characters and give them their own storylines, or move things around to fit the jigsaw puzzle. After being presented to TVNZ and TV3 (which was in flux as it was bought by Discovery), our series proposal kind of disappeared, not aided with the onset of our longest lockdown in Auckland due to COVID. But! Just when I thought it had sunk, South Pacific Pictures said ‘Let’s give it another go’, and gave Kate and I the go-ahead to start developing NTIKAG: The Film. Now in v2, we’re waiting to hear back from the NZ Film Commission if we’ve got some funding to write the script. WATCH THIS SPACE! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; kjkjk kjkj &nbsp; https://lilobrien.com/Writing Fri, 15 Aug 2025 02:41:34 +0000 Lil O'Brien https://lilobrien.com/Writing Recent writing: essays and more Please note, Cargo Collective is the worst website platform, and I don’t know how to add anchor links. Scroll for more writing! Below you’ll find: 1. My Substack: ‘Group email’ 2. Essay: ‘I am not an anxious person’ 3. Essay: ‘No masturbation allowed’ Read my Substack: Group Email here!It’s a tribute to the group emails of the 1990s-early 2000s, when – armed with your Hotmail account, you’d add every friend, every family member you didn’t need to censor your life from,and acquaintances you wanted to make jealous for being more successful than they were, and away you’d go. 500-2000 words of bragging; of turning the mundane and minor into envy-worthy updates. Group emails are where I cut my teeth on trying to entertain, evoke a smile or even get a giggle through writing. In my early ‘20s when I was single, worked in advertising agencies and got pissed a lot, there was always good material. <img width="1080" height="1080" width_o="1080" height_o="1080" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/7a80be217f29ca95d861598dadcf67d2d6f4a006a06cdc42c8b96f0b080df0ef/Lil-s-Group-Email.png" data-mid="237054343" border="0" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/7a80be217f29ca95d861598dadcf67d2d6f4a006a06cdc42c8b96f0b080df0ef/Lil-s-Group-Email.png" /> I’m approaching this Substack as the new form of group email – nothing over-thought, not overly edited, not considering what my brand is... just writing what I feel in the moment.So far I’ve covered fucking up in business, what it’s like not speaking to your parents, writer’s block, lesbian pop culture rants in more. The only thing my posts have in common is my tone of voice, so if you like my writing, join us! I am not an anxious person Essay originally published in Takahe 107 Here are some of the things that make me anxious:When I have spilled something on my t-shirt then have to talk to a hot person.Being away for the weekend with a group of friends.Sleeping in a room with other people, whether they’re my friends or not.Going to an event or location with someone and being reliant on them for transport, so I can’t leave when I want.All-day hen’s parties.Hens parties.All-day going to the races.All-day anythingBeing hungover and having to be around people.When I worry someone I love is mad at me.When there is tension with another person and I don’t know if it’s because of something I’ve said, done or not done or none of the above.When I send a text message to a new friend and I don’t know if she understands my brand of humour.When I feel tension between a couple who have come away for the weekend with me.When I know I’m going to put my hand up and ask a question at an event.When I put your hand up to ask a question at an event but someone else has done so at the same time and you both start talking.Waiting for a response to an email or text where there is potential conflict to come.Knowing I am going home with someone to have sex with them.When I decide to have sex with someone but you’re not 100% sure you’re attracted to them and are going to ‘wait and see’ as things progress.The first 2-5 minutes of having sex in general, whether with a new person or a long-term partner.When I’m out in public and your tampon is leaking or you feel like it might be leaking but aren’t sure, especially when there is no bathroom around.When I’m hosting a party or event and am waiting for the first people to turn up.When I have a scheduled phone call with a good friend.Thinking about the bathing costume category of the Waikuku Beach beauty pageant my parents made me walk in when I was four.But, I’m totally like, not even an anxious person. I’m not!One last thing for the list, though. When I’m trying to relax but begin to hear the voice of my mother in my head, accusing me of wasting the day. Do we all find it difficult to relax, fully relax, for long periods of time, while doing what we consider as ‘nothing’ (not getting out of pyjamas, watching multiple episodes of TV in a row, scrolling social media, getting lost in a Wikipedia hole, not exercising, reading books, ordering in)? Or could it be possible that my everlasting struggle with the feelings of ‘not doing enough’ and ‘not achieving enough’ are a by-product of growing up in a family where the day had to be made the most of?My mother would tolerate sleeping-in to a point (9am), but would ultimately find a reason to come in and fling open the curtains.“It’s a beautiful day,” she would trill.When it wasn’t a beautiful day: “What are you doing in here? You’re wasting the day.”This idea of wasting the day was not a concept to me, mostly because when you’re young, the future stretches endlessly in front of you. There would always be another day after this day. There were so many days to come. And how could reading comics, or a Stephen King book, or catching the double-whammy of my favourite cartoons Batman and then X Men on a Sunday morning be a waste? They were SO GOOD.When I’d moved out of home at 17 but went back to my parent’s house for holidays, afternoon naps were allowed, but after a certain amount of time being blissfully alone in the silence, with the door closed, my mum would come in with some urgent task. She would always show surprise that me – a light sleeper since birth – would wake up to the intrusion.“Oh, you’re awake. I’m just putting your washing away,” she would say, as she banged the drawers open and shut. The last time I stayed with my parents, I was 36, and can report that it was still happening. The self-replenishing stack of folded undies and ironed t-shirts was a boon though.I grew up with the great privilege of being in a family who lived by the ocean. I took up surfing when I was 12, starting on my dad’s old board. It was a short board with deep indents moulded in the shape of his knees from years of use. He told me he started kneeboarding because it was the only size board he could fit under his arm on his scooter. But to the other surfers, kneeboarding was considered on par with goat-boating – sit-on-top short kayaks designed for waves – or body boarding, which was always referred to as “boogie boarding” in a derogatory way. My dad was jeered at and teased profusely.But I was a surfer, a proper one, and that made my dad proud. I spent many afternoons out the back of Scarborough Bay in Christchurch, which was a short walk down the hill from my home. It was the late nineties and being a female surfer was an anomaly. I was often treated with distrust by all the dudes, who seemed to expect me to drop in on their wave or generally get in their way. But eventually I earned respect, and often received a nod from the locals, many of them leathery old dudes who reminded me of sea lions, the way their bristly whiskers stuck out from the wetsuit hoods they wore against the cold South Island waters. Surfing was my greatest joy, after reading and being left alone. But now, I wonder if part of the reason for that is because it got me away from my family. When I was surfing, I could have alone time, and alone time that wouldn’t be interrupted because I wasn’t relaxing in the right way. Surfing was a sanctioned way to make the most of the day.When I was about 15, my dad purchased his first boat. It was a small orange inflatable, like the ones they use on Piha Rescue but half the size. A few weeks into owning it my sister and I ripped it along the seams by pulling me behind the boat on a body board. We had to swim back to shore, tugging the rapidly deflating boat behind us. We didn’t get in trouble for wrecking the boat, because we’d made the most of things.We upgraded to a more expensive boat and I would have been most happy to relax on the gorgeous beach we’d boated to with a book while the others did what they wanted. But I was expected to get on a water ski, and whenever I opted out there was immediate tension, and comments made for the rest of the day, because I wasn’t making the most of the opportunity. I also didn’t necessarily want to swim every day at the beach, even though it was right there. Again, not making the most of it. Underneath this the message, I felt, was that I wasn’t grateful. And I do understand that. My parents grew up without much money, and then as adults they became wealthy, and they wanted their children to enjoy everything they never had.I’ve always liked to have a mission. One summer I’d been reading a book about survival in the New Zealand bush that I’d picked up from a garage sale, or perhaps stolen from the school fair. It included informative nuggets such as: possums are edible but you have to avoid the poisonous gland at the end of their tails. And: you can eat the pith on the inside of cabbage trees. One of my favourite books had always been Hatchet by Gary Paulsen, about a 13 year-old whose plane crashes in the North Canadian wilderness, and he has to survive alone with only – you guessed it – a hatchet. So of course I found this survival book delightful, and loved popping kawakawa leaves in my mouth to get a reaction from people who didn’t know they were a traditional Rongoā Māori treatment for toothache, or pointing at random logs and saying ‘huhu grubs’ like I was a true survivalist.During this phase I discovered, at the far end of the hill we lived on, a good hectare of low-level tree planting amongst the long grass of the slopes that created the talons of the Banks Peninsula. I deemed it the ideal place to prepare a camp, and coerced my sister and my best friend into dragging felled branches we’d found at the bottom of the hill up the steep track and into a grassy slope amongst the trees that I designated our survival zone. We began constructing bivouacs, following different designs from my survival book, crafted a campfire that I would one day light with my flint and steel, and flattened grass with cardboard boxes to create an epic grass slide. This took us weeks, and at times I found I needed to use all my available skills as a leader to encourage my fellow survivalists to stay dedicated (blackmail with my sister, bribery with my bestie). Then one day we arrived at our base camp to continue work, only to find that it had been discovered and completely destroyed, the trees towed back down to where they had come from. Even I had to admit defeat.My missions often diverged from what my parents considered a valuable use of the day. The survival camp was deemed passable as it involved physical activity (and probably because it meant both their children were out of their hair for many hours at a time). But frequently, my forms of active relaxation didn’t meet their seemingly arbitrary standards, and thus caused tension. One such activity was my visits to the suburb of Linwood.Once my survivalist ambitions had been quashed, I found a new weekend activity: riding my bike nearly an hour to Linwood to go to their library, having already worked my way through most of the books at my local one. I would battle headwinds as I followed the long, curving road around the estuary, with kite surfers leaping into the air around me. My favourite part of the mission was to take my new library books across the road to McDonald’s for lunch, and choose the best one to start reading over a Double Cheeseburger combo, using the pickles to wipe the onion out of my burger and adding an extra ketchup sachet. Bliss. Then I would heave my backpack on, packed so chocka full of books that it had begun splitting at the seams, and begin the slog home.Then one day, my dad asked why I kept going to Linwood, which was “full of losers”. I instinctively knew what he meant, and parsing it now as an adult, it is even more damning: Linwood is a low income area. For me it had nothing to do with the area – it was the adventure. And, again, in retrospect, getting out of the house for my own time. But he didn’t like that I was spending my time on things that he didn’t sanction as worthwhile, and after that, going to Linwood wasn’t as much fun.Maybe it’s too much to attribute the anxiety I get when I don’t achieve something in a day to my upbringing, as I think it’s a common enough reality: many people simply don’t find relaxing easy. And maybe we’re all influenced by societal messages about what we should find relaxing. Going to a tropical island for a holiday? Sanctioned relaxing time! For me: anxiety inducing. You expect me to do nothing all day, beyond a dip in the pool or drinking cocktails, while being waited on as a white woman by someone who is often a person of colour, and who undoubtedly earns less than me? And what about my need to be ‘busy’, or ‘achieving’! What about my TV shows that I want to watch, but feel I can’t because that’s not what one does on a tropical island! I stayed on a small Fijian island once, on the way home from a working holiday in the States, and I was so bored and anxious that I paid a lot of money for someone to take me out water-skiing.“Are you sure?” the resort guy at the activities desk had said, frowning and looking out the window at the choppy ocean.“Yes! Absolutely!” I’d said, practically ripping the water ski out of his hand. Remember I didn’t really like water-skiing that much, but it was an activity that had always gotten the tick of approval from my family.Anyway the outcome of that story is that I got taken out by a large swell, swallowed a lot of water and had to be rescued. Back to walking circles around the island, I guess. But you know what, I made the most of it!I reckon a lot of us find things coded as relaxing not relaxing, and vice versa. And when we do things that are supposed to be relaxing, that we personally do not find relaxing, but haven’t parsed as such due to them being widely-accepted as relaxing, there is a cognitive dissonance that expresses itself as anxiety. We want to be relaxed, we should be relaxed, but we cannot be.I’ve asked two people close to me if they can articulate what the feeling is for them when they are anxiety-free. Their answers were similar: Being free of feeling “wrong” in your existence, and being free of people’s expectations. I no longer have my parents expectations to contend with, so why do I still feel anxiety about blobbing around?Here’s when I feel most relaxed: when I have just achieved something. It’s on a Saturday morning, when I’ve finished ParkRun so have ticked exercise off the list, and have two days of weekend ahead of me. And it’s when I’m walking back home from being out somewhere writing, a bit tipsy. That is when I'm in the lee of the hill, briefly sheltered from the winds of anxiety that tell me I should be doing something. Also: booze in general. I don’t think I have a dependency, and my favourite level of drunk is always from ¾ of the way into the first drink up to halfway through the second. But I confess, when I feel the pleasant dullness wash over me it’s not so much the feeling itself that signals I can relax, but the idea that ‘I’ve had a couple of drinks now, I couldn’t possibly achieve anything productive’. Lies! Because guess what – I am writing these sentences in JUST that moment of perfect tipsiness.Here I am, perfectly relaxed. Not anxious. I have made the most of the day now. Essay: No Masturbation Allowed &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp; Originally published in my book OTHERHOOD Yes, the title is ‘No Masturbation Allowed’, not ‘Our American fertility dream’. I just wanted to put this here to be like wtf that Ensemble didn’t want to say the word ‘masturbation’ and wrote this lame title instead! Read the essay <img width="1984" height="1348" width_o="1984" height_o="1348" data-src="https://freight.cargo.site/t/original/i/8dbcd2d9a415422dbec1c64a1bdb25d7c0bfe3d969492547679f652be4a0027c/Screenshot-2025-08-15-at-3.14.36PM.png" data-mid="237054654" border="0" data-scale="97" src="https://freight.cargo.site/w/1000/i/8dbcd2d9a415422dbec1c64a1bdb25d7c0bfe3d969492547679f652be4a0027c/Screenshot-2025-08-15-at-3.14.36PM.png" /> kjkj &nbsp;